Stiti cu totii proiectul acesta de lege, nu?

Din cauza numarului foarte mare de pensionari, guvernul a hotarat sa
vina in intampinarea acestora. Pentru a-i ajuta a promulgat o lege care
preciza:
…
Pct. 1:
- Incepand cu 1 septembrie 2009 toti pensionarii au voie sa
traverseze strada pe culoarea rosie a semaforului.

Pct. 2:
- Daca pana la 1 ianuarie 2011 nu se observa nici o modificare hotararea
de la
punctul 1 devine obligatorie.

Ei bine, eu mi-am dat seama de ce nu functioneaza, ca atare propun un amendament care sa ofere despagubiri soferilor care isi strica masinile, eventual de la rudele celui accidentat. Ce ziceti, semnam o petitie?? Cred ca ar functiona de minune.

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For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can
correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

N.B. Please pay attention to the word game

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A GIRL’S FIRST TIME

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

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Bank tipik maldavskii : merje trenu sibe spakoina pe calea ferata sh vdrug o ia la dreapta!!! Prin aratura popshoi cartoafe lucerna gre4ka iar popshoi padure cartoafe iar lucerna sh iese inapoi la calea ferata sh merge mai departe. Oamenii ahuievshie se duc la mashynist sa vada shi cozu sh ashela:

Da blea, merjem sh am vazut pest 200 m unu care se caca pe calea ferata, shi era sa fac? da oamenii: TREBUIE SA-L CALSHI NAHUI! da el: dap blea, TUCMA IN LUCERNA L-AM AJIUNS!!!

Acum traducearea
maldavskii – moldovenesc
sibe – si  e
spakoina – pashnik
vdrug – dintrodata
gre4ka – hrishka
ahuievshie – zdruncinatsi de cap
shi cozu – carei cauza
da blea – da-n pizda matii
NAHUI-PEPULA – motamo din rusa (sensul – in pizda matii)

Ia zi Grapefruits, am zis bine?

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Scrisoarea a III-a (parodie)

> Iata vine-un Jeep pe strada, cu un girofar pe el

> Baiazid statea in dreapta si rosti catre sofer:
> “Sper ca Mircea sa ajunga, sa nu-ntarzie din nou.

> Ia vezi daca-a tras masina, langa gura de metrou..”.

> “-N-a venit Maria Ta, zise el privind in jur…”

> “-Si mi-a zis ca fix la 12 ne vedem langa Carrefour”.

> Asteptand vreo 5 minute , isi pierdu orice rabdare,

> Si trimite bodiguarzii sa se uite prin parcare

> La un semn (curba la dreapta), se opreste un X5.

> Si din el coboara Mircea, in bermude si opinci.

> Printre turci porni agale, si privindu-i cu nesat,

> Le-arata un “Sony Vaio”, care-l tine la subrat.

> Agitat , la el in Jeep, si-mbracat tot in civil,

> Baiazid nu mai rezista si il suna pe mobil:

> “-Tu esti Mircea?”…”-Da-mparate, am uitat sa iti dau bip,

> Dar am stat mult la Rovine, era coada la Agip.

> Nici n-am nimerit din prima, ca nu vin aici prea des,

> Si-am luat-o si pe centura, indrumat de GPS.

> Acum am parcat masina. Unde esti?, ca vin la tine…”

> “-Sunt la mine in masina si te vad, te-ndrepti spre mine”.

> Si de-ndata ajunse Mircea si urca la turc in jeep.

> Si-ncepu sa ii explice ca nu vrea, cu nici un chip

> Sa isi stranga intreaga oaste la Rovine in campii,

> Si sa lupte pan’ la moarte cu ai turcului spahii.

> “-Baiazide, sti ca-i criza, si-acum viata-i foarte grea,

> Ma gandeam ca sa ne batem,… dar la “Heroes” in retea.

> Sau in loc sa cuceresti, cu armate-al meu popor,

> Nu ai vrea , daca ai wireless , sa jucam “conQUIZtador”?

> “-Cum cand turcii-mi sunt in vama , si-am venit din Istambul,

> Tu nu vrei ca sa ne batem, ca nu ti se pare “cool”?

> Eu nu-s disperat ca tine sa stau nopti intregi pe net,

> Eu traiesc in realitate, si nu e nici un secret

> Ca am fost in multe lupte : Varna , Ialta sau Oituz…”

> “-Pai eu sunt online tot timpul, nu puteai sa dai un “buzz”??”

> “-Mircea!!! Vin c-o intreaga oaste , iar tu faci misto de
noi..

> Maine sunt aici cu turcii si-ti declar de-acum razboi”.

> “-Cum vrei tu marite rege, eu speram sa ma-ntelegi,

> Caci de-ajungem la cutite, voi nu mai plecati intregi.

> N-as vrea sa pun pe “YouTube”, cu-ai tai morti,videoclipuri,

> Nici ca Dunarea sa-nnece spumegand a tale jeep-uri.

> Dar, de asta ti-e dorinta, maine ne vedem la lupta,

> Si-ti promit ca pleci d-aici cel putin c-o mana rupta.

> “Si zicand acestea Mircea, il lasa pe Baiazid.

> Si trantindu-i portiera el pleca la pas grabit.

> Cand ajunse la masina, gasi-n geam , pe-un bilet scris:

> “Scuze.V-am blocat o roata, c-ati parcat pe “interzis”…”

> Si da Mircea multe mailuri, sms-uri, mii de “bip”-uri,

> Ca sa-si stranga toti ostenii si sa ii indese-n “Jeep”-uri.

> Demarand in mare tromba, se-ndreptara spre Rovine,

> Dar aici gasira turcii, toti cu pantalonii-n vine.

> Toti vaitandu-se de moarte, ghemuiti prin iarba scurta

> Rezemati de cate-un ciot, si tinandu-se de burta.

> “-Baiazid , hai sa ne batem…!!  Unde esti, de ce nu vii?”

> “-Mi-am scos in oras ostenii, si i-am dus la KFC.

> Si-am mancat cu poft-aseara, tot ce ni s-a pus pe masa…”

> Raspunse-ncordat sultanul dintro tufa mai retrasa.

> “-N-am stiut ca la “fast-food”-uri nu e bine sa mananci,

> Mai ales in Romania , fiindca risti sa pleci pe “branci”….

> Nu mai vreau ca sa ne batem, iarta-ma a fost o farsa.

> Da-ne niste “triferment” si-o sa facem cale-ntoarsa”…

> Si asa a scapat Mircea de o lupta la Rovine.

> Deci se vede pan-la urma ca “fast-food”-ul face bine.

> Asta-i tot…Dar fiti voi siguri ca Istoria o sa zica:

> “Turcii l-au vazut pe Mircea si-au facut pe ei de frica”…

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No related posts were found, so here's a consolation prize: Tapinarii – Sunt fericit.

Care incepe de azi:

La 9 la deschiderea oficiala Baraka in Herastrau

Apoi se merge in Cabaret la insistentele lui Panda

Maine mergem in Silver Church la o lansare de album folk (mai mult pentrun Tapinarii si Mircea Baniciu)

Sambata trebuie sa fac curat in noua mea casuta. Astept voluntari care sa ma ajute (ia sa vedem daca se ofera cineva, si aici ma gandesc io la unii{unele}).. nu e greu, deci nu va ingrijorati, si fac eu cinste cu berea/sucul

Sambata noaptea va fi zi, pentru ca sunt hotarat sa dau un tur pe la toate muzeele deschise, who’s coming?

Duminica…. nu stiu sigur ce fac, dar sigur voi face ceva, chit ca voi dormi

Pana reusesc sa trec pe la toata lumea pe bloguri cu un comment ceva, si sa raspund la ale mele, va las cu un banc (genial) si o melodie care imi ridica moralul momentan

O planeta trece pe linga planeta Pamint si o intreaba: – Ce mai faci, soro? Nu te-am vazut de milioane de ani! – Nu prea bine… Stii… mi-au iesit Homo Sapiens… – Nu te ingrijora, o sa treaca! Am avut si eu!

Carmen Rizzo feat Jem – Ecouter (Morgan Page remix)

Lyrics:

Cover my eyes,
mind to the world
want you to lead me through.

Fighting inside,
I listen to the beauty,
still it shines on through.

Finding my way,
pearls of wisdom, rubbing out my past.

Finding my way,
no more looking back,
this time will be my life.
—————————————- ————————-
Guidance trough the moments I feel on my way,

feeling the good vibrations, I choose them to stay,

listening more, listening more to all that you say,

touched by the light of beauty, all time now is play.

Coming so far, so far I don’t expect you to know,

a journey through the desert that I came here to grow.

Love it if you want love, if you want come since out with me.

The deep into another, the richest will see.
—————————————- ————————-
Guidance trough the moments I feel on my way,

feeling the good vibrations, I choose them to stay,

listening more, listening more to all that you say,

touched by the light of beauty, all time now is play.

I, I, I feel.
I, I, I know.
I, I, I see.
I, I, I grow.

I, I, I feel.
I, I, I know.
I, I, I see.
I, I, I grow.

—————————————- ————————-
Listening more, listening more to all that you say,

touched by the light of beauty, all time now is play,

coming so far, so far I don’t expect you to know,

a journey through the desert that I came here to grow.

Love it if you want love, if you want come since out with me.

The deep into another, the richest will see.

Guidance trough the moments I feel on my way,

feeling the good vibrations, I choose them to stay.

—————————————- ————————-
Guidance trough the moments I feel on my way,

feeling the good vibrations, I choose them to stay,

listening more, listening more to all that you say,

touched by the light of beauty, all time now is play.

Coming so far, so far I don’t expect you to know,

a journey through the desert that I came here to grow.

Love it if you want love, if you want come since out with me.

The deep into another, the richest will see.
—————————————- ————————-
Sings faster, sings faster
sings, faster, sings faster…

Hmmmmm…
—————————————- ————————-
I, I, I feel.
I, I, I know.
I, I, I see.
I, I, I grow.

I, I, I feel.
I, I, I know.
I, I, I see.
I, I, I grow.

I, I, I feel.
I, I, I know.
I, I, I see.
I, I, I grow.

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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.” When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!” One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Me too!” Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog.”

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Ion si Maria gradinari… se trezira de dimineata sa plece la
targ sa prinda loc pt taraba; incarca caruta cu varza si castraveti
si pleaca. Pe drum Maria:
- Ioane opreste un pic caruta, da-te jos si vino de ma pupa ca
nu mai pot! Opreste Ion, se da jos o pupa pe Maria… si plecara iar
la drum. Dupa 10 minute Maria:
- Ioane, opreste caruta, da-te jos si vino de ma pupa ca nu mai
pot!…
- Marie, da esti nebuna! Nu mai prindem targul.
- Hai repede Ioane, acu, acu, ca nu mai pot!
Se da Ion jos si iar o pupa pe Maria.
Dupa vreo 10 minute Maria incepe:
- Ah Ioaneee, ah, opreste caruta si vino repede si ma pupa ca nu
mai pot!
Ion enervat:
- Auzi fa Marie… da-te jos de pe castraveti si urca-te pe varza.

*************

Ion termina facultatea de medicina si e repartizat intr-un sat.
Acolo medicul batran il informeaza ca nu poate sta cu el prima
saptamana (cum ar fi trebuit) si pleaca spunandu-i sa fie atent la
ce face.. Se intoarce peste 7 zile si-l intreaba ce a facut. La care
Ion ii spune:
- Prima data a venit o baba ca o durea capul, asa ca i-am dat un
calmant. A doua oara a venit un copil julit la genunchi, asa ca am
curatat rana, am dezinfectat-o si l-am pansat. Vineri cand sa inchid
cabinetul a venit Maria, a incuiat usa , s-a dezbracat si s-a intins
pe masa spunandu-mi:
- Ioane, nu am vazut barbat de trei luni!
Medicul cu sufletul la gura il intreaba pe Ion:
- Si ce-ai facut?
- I-am pus picaturi in ochi!

************
Maria si Leana discuta despre sotii lor:
- Mario, Gheorghe al meu e impotent 100%!
- Leano, Ion al meu e impotent 300%!
- Cum asa?
- A cazut prostul pe scari si si-a rupt si degetul si si-a
muscat si limba!!!
*************
Intr-o noapte, Ion si Maria, proaspat casatoriti, stateau de
vorba:
- Ma, Ioane, spune drept, pe cine ai mai avut inaintea mea?
- Pe Florica.
- Numai pe ea?
- Pe Veta, Maricica, Rozi… bla bla bla.
- Sa stii ca sunt geloasa.
- Lasa, mai bine ai fi multumita ca te-ai calificat in finala.

*************
- Io amu m-oi duce, Marie, ca mi-a sosit ceasul. Asculta
aici ce-ti spun.
Maria, suspinand:
- Zi, Ioane, si asa oi face!
- Sa tii gospodaria, Marie, sa nu vinzi nimic, sa aiba copiii
astia cand or creste mari.
Maria, suspinand:
- Asa oi face, Ioane…
- Sa dai copiii la scoala, sa iasa invatati, Marie!
Maria, suspinand:
- Asa oi face, Ioane…
- Si mai vreau, Marie, ca dupa ce m-oi duce sa te mariti cu
Gheorghe!
- Da’ Ioane, credeam ca Gheorghe e dusmanul tau cel mai mare.
- Pai tocmai de-aia…

Via Andrei

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