Stiti cu totii proiectul acesta de lege, nu?

Din cauza numarului foarte mare de pensionari, guvernul a hotarat sa
vina in intampinarea acestora. Pentru a-i ajuta a promulgat o lege care
preciza:
…
Pct. 1:
- Incepand cu 1 septembrie 2009 toti pensionarii au voie sa
traverseze strada pe culoarea rosie a semaforului.

Pct. 2:
- Daca pana la 1 ianuarie 2011 nu se observa nici o modificare hotararea
de la
punctul 1 devine obligatorie.

Ei bine, eu mi-am dat seama de ce nu functioneaza, ca atare propun un amendament care sa ofere despagubiri soferilor care isi strica masinile, eventual de la rudele celui accidentat. Ce ziceti, semnam o petitie?? Cred ca ar functiona de minune.

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Hello hello, intrucat in 5 ore am sa plec pentru perioada Craciunului, si nu o sa am net, m-am gandit sa va las sa va delectati cu un banc in spiritul sarbatorilor :

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying “Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know.”

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. “OH Santa, won’t you please stay?” she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said “Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.”

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly “Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?”

With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said “Ho – ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.” And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.

“Santa—you decided to stay??” she asked.

Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said “Hey – hey, gotta stay. Can’t get up the chimney THIS way!”

Pana una alta, Sarbatori Fericite tuturor >< !

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For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can
correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

N.B. Please pay attention to the word game

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A GIRL’S FIRST TIME

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

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Bank tipik maldavskii : merje trenu sibe spakoina pe calea ferata sh vdrug o ia la dreapta!!! Prin aratura popshoi cartoafe lucerna gre4ka iar popshoi padure cartoafe iar lucerna sh iese inapoi la calea ferata sh merge mai departe. Oamenii ahuievshie se duc la mashynist sa vada shi cozu sh ashela:

Da blea, merjem sh am vazut pest 200 m unu care se caca pe calea ferata, shi era sa fac? da oamenii: TREBUIE SA-L CALSHI NAHUI! da el: dap blea, TUCMA IN LUCERNA L-AM AJIUNS!!!

Acum traducearea
maldavskii – moldovenesc
sibe – si  e
spakoina – pashnik
vdrug – dintrodata
gre4ka – hrishka
ahuievshie – zdruncinatsi de cap
shi cozu – carei cauza
da blea – da-n pizda matii
NAHUI-PEPULA – motamo din rusa (sensul – in pizda matii)

Ia zi Grapefruits, am zis bine?

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Scrisoarea a III-a (parodie)

> Iata vine-un Jeep pe strada, cu un girofar pe el

> Baiazid statea in dreapta si rosti catre sofer:
> “Sper ca Mircea sa ajunga, sa nu-ntarzie din nou.

> Ia vezi daca-a tras masina, langa gura de metrou..”.

> “-N-a venit Maria Ta, zise el privind in jur…”

> “-Si mi-a zis ca fix la 12 ne vedem langa Carrefour”.

> Asteptand vreo 5 minute , isi pierdu orice rabdare,

> Si trimite bodiguarzii sa se uite prin parcare

> La un semn (curba la dreapta), se opreste un X5.

> Si din el coboara Mircea, in bermude si opinci.

> Printre turci porni agale, si privindu-i cu nesat,

> Le-arata un “Sony Vaio”, care-l tine la subrat.

> Agitat , la el in Jeep, si-mbracat tot in civil,

> Baiazid nu mai rezista si il suna pe mobil:

> “-Tu esti Mircea?”…”-Da-mparate, am uitat sa iti dau bip,

> Dar am stat mult la Rovine, era coada la Agip.

> Nici n-am nimerit din prima, ca nu vin aici prea des,

> Si-am luat-o si pe centura, indrumat de GPS.

> Acum am parcat masina. Unde esti?, ca vin la tine…”

> “-Sunt la mine in masina si te vad, te-ndrepti spre mine”.

> Si de-ndata ajunse Mircea si urca la turc in jeep.

> Si-ncepu sa ii explice ca nu vrea, cu nici un chip

> Sa isi stranga intreaga oaste la Rovine in campii,

> Si sa lupte pan’ la moarte cu ai turcului spahii.

> “-Baiazide, sti ca-i criza, si-acum viata-i foarte grea,

> Ma gandeam ca sa ne batem,… dar la “Heroes” in retea.

> Sau in loc sa cuceresti, cu armate-al meu popor,

> Nu ai vrea , daca ai wireless , sa jucam “conQUIZtador”?

> “-Cum cand turcii-mi sunt in vama , si-am venit din Istambul,

> Tu nu vrei ca sa ne batem, ca nu ti se pare “cool”?

> Eu nu-s disperat ca tine sa stau nopti intregi pe net,

> Eu traiesc in realitate, si nu e nici un secret

> Ca am fost in multe lupte : Varna , Ialta sau Oituz…”

> “-Pai eu sunt online tot timpul, nu puteai sa dai un “buzz”??”

> “-Mircea!!! Vin c-o intreaga oaste , iar tu faci misto de
noi..

> Maine sunt aici cu turcii si-ti declar de-acum razboi”.

> “-Cum vrei tu marite rege, eu speram sa ma-ntelegi,

> Caci de-ajungem la cutite, voi nu mai plecati intregi.

> N-as vrea sa pun pe “YouTube”, cu-ai tai morti,videoclipuri,

> Nici ca Dunarea sa-nnece spumegand a tale jeep-uri.

> Dar, de asta ti-e dorinta, maine ne vedem la lupta,

> Si-ti promit ca pleci d-aici cel putin c-o mana rupta.

> “Si zicand acestea Mircea, il lasa pe Baiazid.

> Si trantindu-i portiera el pleca la pas grabit.

> Cand ajunse la masina, gasi-n geam , pe-un bilet scris:

> “Scuze.V-am blocat o roata, c-ati parcat pe “interzis”…”

> Si da Mircea multe mailuri, sms-uri, mii de “bip”-uri,

> Ca sa-si stranga toti ostenii si sa ii indese-n “Jeep”-uri.

> Demarand in mare tromba, se-ndreptara spre Rovine,

> Dar aici gasira turcii, toti cu pantalonii-n vine.

> Toti vaitandu-se de moarte, ghemuiti prin iarba scurta

> Rezemati de cate-un ciot, si tinandu-se de burta.

> “-Baiazid , hai sa ne batem…!!  Unde esti, de ce nu vii?”

> “-Mi-am scos in oras ostenii, si i-am dus la KFC.

> Si-am mancat cu poft-aseara, tot ce ni s-a pus pe masa…”

> Raspunse-ncordat sultanul dintro tufa mai retrasa.

> “-N-am stiut ca la “fast-food”-uri nu e bine sa mananci,

> Mai ales in Romania , fiindca risti sa pleci pe “branci”….

> Nu mai vreau ca sa ne batem, iarta-ma a fost o farsa.

> Da-ne niste “triferment” si-o sa facem cale-ntoarsa”…

> Si asa a scapat Mircea de o lupta la Rovine.

> Deci se vede pan-la urma ca “fast-food”-ul face bine.

> Asta-i tot…Dar fiti voi siguri ca Istoria o sa zica:

> “Turcii l-au vazut pe Mircea si-au facut pe ei de frica”…

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No related posts were found, so here's a consolation prize: Bancuri:)).

Care incepe de azi:

La 9 la deschiderea oficiala Baraka in Herastrau

Apoi se merge in Cabaret la insistentele lui Panda

Maine mergem in Silver Church la o lansare de album folk (mai mult pentrun Tapinarii si Mircea Baniciu)

Sambata trebuie sa fac curat in noua mea casuta. Astept voluntari care sa ma ajute (ia sa vedem daca se ofera cineva, si aici ma gandesc io la unii{unele}).. nu e greu, deci nu va ingrijorati, si fac eu cinste cu berea/sucul

Sambata noaptea va fi zi, pentru ca sunt hotarat sa dau un tur pe la toate muzeele deschise, who’s coming?

Duminica…. nu stiu sigur ce fac, dar sigur voi face ceva, chit ca voi dormi

Pana reusesc sa trec pe la toata lumea pe bloguri cu un comment ceva, si sa raspund la ale mele, va las cu un banc (genial) si o melodie care imi ridica moralul momentan

O planeta trece pe linga planeta Pamint si o intreaba: – Ce mai faci, soro? Nu te-am vazut de milioane de ani! – Nu prea bine… Stii… mi-au iesit Homo Sapiens… – Nu te ingrijora, o sa treaca! Am avut si eu!

Carmen Rizzo feat Jem – Ecouter (Morgan Page remix)

Lyrics:

Cover my eyes,
mind to the world
want you to lead me through.

Fighting inside,
I listen to the beauty,
still it shines on through.

Finding my way,
pearls of wisdom, rubbing out my past.

Finding my way,
no more looking back,
this time will be my life.
—————————————- ————————-
Guidance trough the moments I feel on my way,

feeling the good vibrations, I choose them to stay,

listening more, listening more to all that you say,

touched by the light of beauty, all time now is play.

Coming so far, so far I don’t expect you to know,

a journey through the desert that I came here to grow.

Love it if you want love, if you want come since out with me.

The deep into another, the richest will see.
—————————————- ————————-
Guidance trough the moments I feel on my way,

feeling the good vibrations, I choose them to stay,

listening more, listening more to all that you say,

touched by the light of beauty, all time now is play.

I, I, I feel.
I, I, I know.
I, I, I see.
I, I, I grow.

I, I, I feel.
I, I, I know.
I, I, I see.
I, I, I grow.

—————————————- ————————-
Listening more, listening more to all that you say,

touched by the light of beauty, all time now is play,

coming so far, so far I don’t expect you to know,

a journey through the desert that I came here to grow.

Love it if you want love, if you want come since out with me.

The deep into another, the richest will see.

Guidance trough the moments I feel on my way,

feeling the good vibrations, I choose them to stay.

—————————————- ————————-
Guidance trough the moments I feel on my way,

feeling the good vibrations, I choose them to stay,

listening more, listening more to all that you say,

touched by the light of beauty, all time now is play.

Coming so far, so far I don’t expect you to know,

a journey through the desert that I came here to grow.

Love it if you want love, if you want come since out with me.

The deep into another, the richest will see.
—————————————- ————————-
Sings faster, sings faster
sings, faster, sings faster…

Hmmmmm…
—————————————- ————————-
I, I, I feel.
I, I, I know.
I, I, I see.
I, I, I grow.

I, I, I feel.
I, I, I know.
I, I, I see.
I, I, I grow.

I, I, I feel.
I, I, I know.
I, I, I see.
I, I, I grow.

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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.” When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!” One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Me too!” Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog.”

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Ai grija Bubule, chiar sunt multe, hope u enjoy, desi unele le stii

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can’t hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?

A: To try to forget.

Q: What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn’t fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What’s grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What’s grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell’s Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree. – similar joke – Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.

Q: What’s the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn’t, it gets down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait ’till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg…Booooiiiiiinnnngggg…Booooiiiiiinnnngggg…

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: What’s the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant’s foreskin.

Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken’s day off.

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can’t get the toilet seat down.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

Q: What’s more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can’t get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There’s a VW bug parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW’s in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW’s!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW’s out, put tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can’t, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn’t not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.

Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It’s bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t be stupid, elephants can’t change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don’t sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A: To get the answer, you’d better get the ‘S’ out of Safe and the ‘F’ out of the way.

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries? A. They’re both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: “Look, there’s 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.”

Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas,…..

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don’t want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn’t it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: That’s when the elephants are skydiving.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.

Q: Why isn’t it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That’s when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

Q: Whay are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

Q: Why shouldn’t you go into the woods at 5 o’clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o’clock.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can’t tell time.

Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O’clock (trick question – not “Time to get a new fence..)

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They’re all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there’s an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big ‘E’ on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why won’t they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep. Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Because sheep don’t have strings.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephant’s sex organ?
A: His foot… If he steps on you you’re FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: “Can I be on top this time?”

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she’s lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you’re yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said “Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!”.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero – a mountain climber is a scaler.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What’s grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn’t laying on his back.

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won’t pay the ransom. (somebody want to explain this for me?)

Q: Why don’t you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.

Q: How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your back yard?
A: The fence is broken and one of your Hefty bags is gone.

Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A blow job.

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!

Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!

Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant’s leg with the intention of rape.

Q: What’s grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Garbage bags!

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
A: Because if an elephant steps on them, they’re fucked!

Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he’d stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!

Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can’t talk.

Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See, it works!!!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!

Q: What’s big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby’s forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!)

Q. What’s the difference between a little moron and an elephant? A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant’s gaining!

Q: How do you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?!?
A: Silly, a mountain climber is a scaler and you can’t cross a vector with a scalar!

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.

Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the bear

Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs. Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant. (From the “Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes”)

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
A: The ‘Elephino!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?
A: One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.

Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
A: Stuff a bale of hay in it.

Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
A: One straw at a time.

Q: What has 2 greay legs and 2 brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhea.

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Ion si Maria gradinari… se trezira de dimineata sa plece la
targ sa prinda loc pt taraba; incarca caruta cu varza si castraveti
si pleaca. Pe drum Maria:
- Ioane opreste un pic caruta, da-te jos si vino de ma pupa ca
nu mai pot! Opreste Ion, se da jos o pupa pe Maria… si plecara iar
la drum. Dupa 10 minute Maria:
- Ioane, opreste caruta, da-te jos si vino de ma pupa ca nu mai
pot!…
- Marie, da esti nebuna! Nu mai prindem targul.
- Hai repede Ioane, acu, acu, ca nu mai pot!
Se da Ion jos si iar o pupa pe Maria.
Dupa vreo 10 minute Maria incepe:
- Ah Ioaneee, ah, opreste caruta si vino repede si ma pupa ca nu
mai pot!
Ion enervat:
- Auzi fa Marie… da-te jos de pe castraveti si urca-te pe varza.

*************

Ion termina facultatea de medicina si e repartizat intr-un sat.
Acolo medicul batran il informeaza ca nu poate sta cu el prima
saptamana (cum ar fi trebuit) si pleaca spunandu-i sa fie atent la
ce face.. Se intoarce peste 7 zile si-l intreaba ce a facut. La care
Ion ii spune:
- Prima data a venit o baba ca o durea capul, asa ca i-am dat un
calmant. A doua oara a venit un copil julit la genunchi, asa ca am
curatat rana, am dezinfectat-o si l-am pansat. Vineri cand sa inchid
cabinetul a venit Maria, a incuiat usa , s-a dezbracat si s-a intins
pe masa spunandu-mi:
- Ioane, nu am vazut barbat de trei luni!
Medicul cu sufletul la gura il intreaba pe Ion:
- Si ce-ai facut?
- I-am pus picaturi in ochi!

************
Maria si Leana discuta despre sotii lor:
- Mario, Gheorghe al meu e impotent 100%!
- Leano, Ion al meu e impotent 300%!
- Cum asa?
- A cazut prostul pe scari si si-a rupt si degetul si si-a
muscat si limba!!!
*************
Intr-o noapte, Ion si Maria, proaspat casatoriti, stateau de
vorba:
- Ma, Ioane, spune drept, pe cine ai mai avut inaintea mea?
- Pe Florica.
- Numai pe ea?
- Pe Veta, Maricica, Rozi… bla bla bla.
- Sa stii ca sunt geloasa.
- Lasa, mai bine ai fi multumita ca te-ai calificat in finala.

*************
- Io amu m-oi duce, Marie, ca mi-a sosit ceasul. Asculta
aici ce-ti spun.
Maria, suspinand:
- Zi, Ioane, si asa oi face!
- Sa tii gospodaria, Marie, sa nu vinzi nimic, sa aiba copiii
astia cand or creste mari.
Maria, suspinand:
- Asa oi face, Ioane…
- Sa dai copiii la scoala, sa iasa invatati, Marie!
Maria, suspinand:
- Asa oi face, Ioane…
- Si mai vreau, Marie, ca dupa ce m-oi duce sa te mariti cu
Gheorghe!
- Da’ Ioane, credeam ca Gheorghe e dusmanul tau cel mai mare.
- Pai tocmai de-aia…

Via Andrei

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